WORD | The Statement of Omission
I wrote a story for Vogue.com that was published yesterday about why a diamond engagement ring isn't for me. I've been married for almost five years, but it took a recent burglary to really think hard about why I never wore my ring. In one regard, it's an aesthetic choice, I lean more minimal and masculine in style. On the other hand, it's a weightier decision that questions the idea of status and politics and feminism. There's so much nuance that surrounds these decisions: tradition, families, politics, culture, and it's all so hugely personal. There's certainly not a wrong or a right way, but if you're interested, here's my story. Would love to know what your take is too.
Comments
My partner and I got engaged without a proposal, and I just assumed we would not wear rings until our marriage. It's funny, when we would tell people we had gotten engaged, they would automatically look, and then look confused, at my empty finger. Like it wasn't real without a ring there.
But, my partner felt like he wanted to give me something to remember the occasion of our engagement by, and my grandmother ended up giving her ring to him to give to me. Even though it's not my style, it is nice to be able to wear a piece of family history that reminds me of my beloved grandma whenever I look at it. I don't know if I'll get a wedding band that matches that ring (likely not), or whether I'll end up wearing it everyday forever, but for me it was a happy medium.
My boyfriend and I (still can’t bear to call him ‘fiance’) got engaged in November and he proposed to me with a vintage silver ring from my favourite mid-century jewellery designer, Kupittaan Kulpa. He figured I wasn’t a diamond kind of girl and he was right – I never wear blingy jewellery, if I wear anything at all its something quite sculptural. It meant so much to me that he’d put so much thought into it, and spent months scouring to find the right ring. Even he had a bit of a crisis of confidence that he’d got it a bit wrong and that secretly I just wanted a big ole sparkler like in the adverts.
When people look at my hand they either look confused, disappointed, or ask if it is an ‘inbetween’ ring because we haven’t got the proper one yet. I find it quite insulting. And as others have mentioned, I find the idea of displaying (and others assessing) your net worth by what’s on your finger seems vulgar and anachronistic. Once we’re married in September the engagement ring will move over to my right hand and I’ll just wear my wedding ring on my left ring finger. I like the understated simplicity and confidence of a plain band. As you say – that is the ultimate symbol of connection and love and the only one I need.
I got married three years ago, my husband had my ring made by my favourite jeweller, a local lady with a distinctive style, he designed it, he's not the most creative when it comes to things like that. He was nervous as hell that he'd got it wrong, but he'd hit the nail on the head. It's white gold but without the platinum so appears a little grey, it has a small tube of yellow gold that a very small diamond sits in. It's not remotely traditional and a colleague described it as looking like a washer. When we got engaged, the people that go for the big faceted diamonds always looked slightly perturbed by it. Love it.
It is kinda like I never dreamed of "my wedding" or "my wedding dress", I only dream of hearing a man saying, "I love you." and wanting spend the rest of his life with me. : )
Glad you have happy endings to your stories.
It's funny what you said at the end, about a little bit wishing you and your husband had talked about it and maybe saved the money for something else. I joke all the time about selling mine but somehow neither of us can do it. I like to think that it's a reminder of where it all began.
I have never coveted diamonds in any way, shape, or form. And I've let my husband know that time and time again. But I have a group of friends who all seem to have the most beautiful, fancy diamond rings given to them by their husbands for one reason or another. Sometimes I get a little jealous and wonder if I'm missing something.
I find the whole idea of marriage proposals to be such a display of male chauvinism and kind of outdated. So many couples live together for a long time before getting married. Personally, I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years - we share a home, a bank account, a car payment, a dog, etc. It'd be kind of redundant to announce an engagement.
And I don't know about everyone else, but I see my relationship as a partnership. We will decide together if or when it's time to get married (something neither of us is very interested in). And when you take away the whole element of surprise and the theatrical display of getting down on one knee, the ring seems unnecessary.
Plus, if my partner spent a fat chunk of money on a ring for me, I'd make him return it and use the money he spent to pay my student loans. There are more important things to spend money on - paying debts, traveling.
And doesn't it bother anyone else that women traditionally wear a symbol of their engagement but men don't?
Thanks for your words.
This article is great and it resonates with so many women - myself included - because I think there is a quiet shift happening. My engagement ring is a thin gold band and my wedding ring is a 100-year old signet ring that I found for $150. The jeweler it was purchased from told me to think of myself not just as the buyer but also the next caretaker for the ring, which I love. It is my favorite piece of jewelry and I've found myself wearing less and less accessories since I was married last year. The ring is small and unnoticeable to some but it feels like everything I need, for every outfit and occasion.
I overhead two girls chatting at a coffee shop earlier this week. One was telling the other that her boyfriend better give her a viral social media worthy proposal, "You know, like those videos on Facebook." The same day I read an article about a company who will create your perfect engagement ... starting at $5,000. So in the era of Kimye weddings there is still a big market for big engagement rings. But! When Vogue is featuring articles like yours, it makes me feel hopeful for women who are less "Disney princess" and more down to earth. Thanks, Lizzie!
When I got married last summer, a friend mentioned that he had missed the engagement. We skipped the ring, the balloon photos and, for us, it felt just right.
I respect that for some women a diamond actually is a good friend, but I resent it when it becomes the standard to which all other women are compared ("What! No ring?! No diamonds?! No proposal?!).
Here is to doing what one wants to do and stylish diamond-less bands that celebrate that.
I've heard women say that they wouldn't marry a man who couldn't "prove" his commitment (her worth?) by giving them a sufficient diamond ring, and I don't understand that at all. To me a diamond engagement ring really only makes sense if the woman loves diamonds and they both find the tradition meaningful (and don't have to go hugely in debt for it).
I actually loved the comment by the woman in the article about how much she likes her beat-up wedding ring. I couldn't tell from the context whether it was already old when she got it, or whether the wear had happened since she'd gotten it; but I know that I love the scratches and wear on mine because it's a reminder of how worth it being married is even though you both acquire some scars and wear over the years.
But, you know, I love my engagement ring, with its smallish diamond. It was a gift from my now-husband, and though it may be traditional, it's still a frequent reminder of our love for and commitment to each other. My wedding band also has diamonds, which sounds blingy but is actually pretty subtle. Both are from Satomi Kawakita, whose organic and subdued style is tops.
These little rings make me happy, which I didn't expect — I've never really been into jewelry. But I've always been into the man who's now my husband, and so I smile when I look down at my finger. Having a smaller diamond makes me smile, because we have a big love — we're just not showing it off through jewels.
It is however refreshing to hear so many other women state that they'd prefer not to wear traditional rings. I don't like what a traditional ring has come to represent in our society. It's yet another thing, we are judged by. Also I can't help but agree with freelance writer, Christine Lennon when she said that she didn't want to be claimed or bought. This deeply resonated with me.
Two good friends of mine got married last weekend and the man is not wearing his wedding ring on a daily basis. He's not the jewelry type, very simple guy, and his wife is totally fine with that but of course everyone else has an opinion.
It's bizarre. People for some reason feel like they can interject their opinions on you, particularly when it comes to things like that. Thanks for writing about this in such a public forum!
Since we've married, I replaced my ring for a gold band with sapphires made from a ring my husband's father gave to him before his death. I love this ring. I also love my black engagement ring, which sits in my jewelry box. It's unworn, but I hope I can use it as an example to my own daughter someday that despite what their friends might say, you don't need a diamond to marry the manor your dreams.
So, fast forward a couple of decades, and I break my back, and I'm laid-up for a long period, gaining a lot of wait, and find that my rings no longer fit my finger. In truth, I hadn't been wearing it for the exact reasons you detailed in your essay, Lizzie. So, I've taken to wearing my husband's grandmother's simple gold wedding band, with engraving on the inside, reminding me of how love goes on through time. And it's perfect for the minimalist me.
I hated the idea of wearing a ring to tell everyone you're planning a wedding. Some people understood and felt like to reflected who I was, while others kind of balked at the idea and always followed up with something like " well you could always get a diamond eternity band for an anniversary to stack with it some day," as if my minimal amount of bling and overly simple wedding band wasn't enough.
It's about the marriage people, not the ring! The band is the commitment symbol and if you can't get something that truly suits you without feeling societal pressures, how can you be your true self in a relationship?
I get my love of simple from my parents, yet my mom has one of the most elaborate engagement/wedding rings I think I've ever seen. The ring is actually three different parts that my dad has bought over the years and I don't know if I've just always associated it with my mother or what, but she and it just go together so well. It's quite stunning and while I don't know if it's something I could pull off, my very down to earth, very not a diamond kind of woman mother manages to do so.
I get my love of simple from my parents, yet my mom has one of the most elaborate engagement/wedding rings I think I've ever seen. The ring is actually three different parts that my dad has bought over the years and I don't know if I've just always associated it with my mother or what, but she and it just go together so well. It's quite stunning and while I don't know if it's something I could pull off, my very down to earth, very not a diamond kind of woman mother manages to do so.
The "need" for a diamond is a line that's been fed to and gobbled up by a consumer driven culture.
Thanks for sharing your story!
My wife and I started out with matching, rolling tri-color hollow gold bands. Both bands showed terrific dents and dings. She has since lost a lot of weight and found simpler rings that she likes. I shopped Amazon for a stainless steel comfort fit band that I love.